


The Worst Bachelor

by dumbhotbitchknightgwaine



Category: Merlin (TV), Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Bachelor Party, CenWaine, M/M, Stag Night, perlyan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24109672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbhotbitchknightgwaine/pseuds/dumbhotbitchknightgwaine
Summary: The Worst Bachelor is the sequel to The Worst RoommateThere is one month left until Cendred and Gwaine's wedding, which means there is only one thing left for them to do: The bachelor party.
Relationships: Cenwaine - Relationship, perlyan
Comments: 14
Kudos: 3





	1. The Shopping Trip

**Author's Note:**

> TW: some discussion of body insecurity

The light was going from Leon’s eyes, ‘If I had known it would come to this.’

Percival put a hand on his shoulder, ‘You can do it. Be strong.’

‘I just know if I can bring myself to...to…’

‘Leon. Pull yourself together and put them in the basket.’

Leon huffed in frustration, ‘Do we _really_ need penis straws though?’ Leon brandished the packet in his friends face, ‘I know it’s a bachelor party but, come on!’

The cashier in the party shop could help but start laughing as Leon cringed at the packet in his hand.

Percival gently put the packet back, ‘Go take a breather, I know planning Gwaine’s stag is a nightmare for you. I’ll get crazy straws instead.’

‘Okay. Okay, I can live with crazy straws...Wait, why do I need to go take a breather?’

Percy’s face lit up with a big, shit-eating grin, ‘Because we’re booking the stripper next!’

Percy waited until Leon had slumped out of the shop before sticking the straws back in the basket and running up the cashier, ‘Right. I don’t have long. Give me everything remotely phallic and put it in a sealed bag.’ the cashier giggled as Percy lifted a giant penis pinata onto the counter with a deadpan determination.

A few moments later, he met Leon on the street, slinging three giant bags over his shoulder.

‘What the hell did you buy? I was only gone for five minutes!’

‘Don’t worry, I just saw a few _tasteful_ things that I thought would work with the decoration.’ he coughed loudly over the pinata rustling, ‘So, what are we thinking stripper wise?’

Leon rubbed his eyes in exasperation, ‘I don’t know Percy! I mean, why the hell did Gwaine, the man with the highest sex drive in the world, decide _hey, you know who would be great at organising my stag do? Leon! You know, my asexual friend who has no bloody clue_.’ he looked up at Percy, who was doing his best to keep it together, ‘A policeman…? I dunno, you used to date him, what does he like?’

Percy thought back to his years at college, ‘I mean, we dated in a very different time, mate. Back then he liked punks.’

‘Oh my god. I forgot you used to be all...you know... Did you keep in touch with anyone from the band?’

‘I see Mordred every now and again. He still plays with some of the guys; they’ve gone all indie.’

Leon stroked his chin as they continued up the high street, ‘What was the band called? I know it was something excruciating…’

Percival bit his lip in embarrassment, ‘We were called...um...Master of Hogs. Don’t tell Elyan, he still thinks I’m cool’

'Speak of the devil!' just across the street, Leon spied Elyan leaving the gym, he brow drenched in sweat and shoulders slumped low, 'Hey, El…'

'No, don't.' Percy cut in suddenly, stood awkwardly still until Elyan had turned down the street before helmet out a breath of relief.

'W...why isn't he going to your gym anymore?' Percy stayed awfully quiet and Leon smelt a rat, ‘Is all okay, mate?’

Percy ran an awkward hand through his hair, ‘Yeah, yeah it’s um…’

Leon pulled him down on to the nearest bench, ‘What’s wrong? Come on, tell me so at least I can postpone this damn stripper business.’

He wrestled with it for a moment before stooping his shoulders into a whisper, ‘It’s just...Okay. So Elyan didn’t want to...you know...at first. And I really like him and wanted to take it slow, so, we just do _some_ things but not, you know…’

‘Percival, just to save you some time: I’m not going to spontaneously combust if you say the word sex.’

He slumped lower still, finally letting the bags hit the concrete so he could lean his head in his hands, ‘I really like him, Leon, but I don’t think he finds me attractive. After the first few weeks of fooling around, he started getting all weird when I took my top off and then he started not taking his off and…Well, he cancelled our last two dates at the last minuet and...Oh, I dunno.’

Leon gave a sympathetic sigh, ‘Right. Well, I’m pretty sure Elyan thinks you're attractive given how many times I’ve caught him staring at your Instagram at work. You should just talk to him but, I’ll check in with you next week at the pub quiz. You can ring anytime, yeah?’ Percy gave an appreciative nod and Leon got to his feet with renewed energy, ‘Fireman. I think fireman is a strong choice. Actually, I think fire _men_ , best play it safe. It is Gwaine after all.’ he was glad to see the smile returning to Percy’s face.

‘Now that is more like it.’

As Percy walked ahead, Leon slipped his phone out and quickly typed out a message.

 _Need to talk to you, meet me at the shop tonight_?


	2. You're Popular

Gwaine looked over to the bedside table with bleary eyes as it beeped. He’d been taking in nearly double the number of clients he saw in the past few weeks to make sure Leon and Elyan weren’t overwhelmed when he was away for the honeymoon in a month’s time, and now on his days off rarely surfaced before ten. He reached over, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Before he could grasp it, Cendred pulled him back under the sheets with a contented hum.

‘Cendred, hun, I need to get that.’

Gwaine let out a breath as Cendred’s warm hands ran up and down his body, ‘Mmm and what about what I need?’ 

Gwaine rolled over and took in the sight of Cendred peaking out from under his messy morning hair with a cheeky, sleepy grin. He ran his fingers over his hair, letting our a short laugh, 'You need to let me cut this before the wedding, darling. You're beginning to look like a poor man's Robert Plant.'

'I know you fancied Robert Pl...Hey, what do you mean a _poor man's_ Robert Plant?' suddenly Gwaine found himself pinned beneath Cendred, 'I'll show you.'

'Mmm will you now?' Gwaine breathed and Cendred'd kisses started making their way down from his neck to his bare chest, 'Cendred, I need to... There's thing I need to do today and...oh god that's good.'

He felt Cendred smirk against his inner thigh before biting down gently again. Gwaine bit his lip, hips arching slightly into the sensation.

_Beep_

Defeated, Cendred rolled off again, 'Go on get the damn phone.'

He flicked on the device to see two messages staring back at him, 'Wow, I'm popular today. Leon and Elyan both need a word.'

'What do they want?' Cendred propped himself up, the blankets slipping down his body as he reached for a cigarette.

'They don't say...curious. I assume Leon is freaking out about the stag night. You decided what you're doing for yours yet?'

The lighter took a few flicks before it clicked into action and Cendred could take that first blissful hit of nicotine, 'Oh god no. Morgana and Morgause keep pestering me about going out on the town but I'm too old for that now, I just want to stay in with a glass of wine.'

'You're twenty-nine, Cen.' Gwaine plucked the cigarette from his lips, 'And you look twenty-five.' he stubbed the half-smoked cig in the ashtray.

'Hey, I wanted to finish that!'

Gwaine ran a teasing finger down his fiance's chest, 'You can have another one after.' he winked, 'I don't have to meet Elyan for an hour and a half, so…'

Before Gwaine could finish, Cendred was back under the sheets.


	3. Insecure

Gwaine rushed out of the shower and there on the only clean clothes he could find. Stood there in his joggers, stained from last night's take away, and a shirt he hadn't worn since college, Cendred couldn't help but laugh.

'Stop it.'

'What? You look…' Gwaine shot him a glance, 'Nice?'

He rolled his eyes, 'Can I borrow a pair of your jeans? Mine are all still drying.' Cendred nodded and chucked a pair over from his side of the bed, 'Are you gulping to get dressed today?'

Cendred flexed his arms behind his head, puffing the cigarette in his mouth with a smirk, 'It's my day off and I've got nowhere to go. I fully intend to stay in bed reading in the nude until you get back.' he stopped to see Gwaines' reaction.

'Oh, you tease.' Gwaine did up the fly on his jeans, 'You're gonna be in your reading glasses, aren't you?'

Without a word, Cendred slipped the black frames over this face and retrieved his book, 'Oh yes. And you're gonna be thinking about it all day.'

Gwaine let out a frustrated huff, 'You look too good in those and you've already made me late.' he beamed a smile, 'You complete bastard.'

' _I_ made you late?' Cendred slipped the glasses to the end of his nose, peering over the top, 'Says Mr _once is never enough_.'

'Don't do that thing with the glasses; you know it makes me weak.' he slung a bag over his shoulder, 'I'll be back tonight...And you can keep the glasses on this time.'

Ever so slightly resentful he had to leave behind the sight of Cendred looking all intellectual and naked in his bed, Gwaine made his way down the street to the local coffee shop where Elayn, the brightest and bubbliest friend he'd ever had, was looking into his empty coffee cup like the world was going to end.

‘Hey mate.’ Gwaine ducked down into Elyan’s line of vision, ‘You want another one?’

‘Sure.’ Elyan nodded, before sinking his head back down.

With a frown, Gwaine went and ordered two more coffees and took the seat opposite, shrugging off his jacket over the back, ‘So. What did you want to talk about?’

Elyan shifted uncomfortably in his chair as the two coffees were sat down on the table, ‘It’s a bit...delicate.’ his tone was hushed, ‘I need some advice...about relationships.’

‘Okay. No problem. Urm...so, go on then.’ he sipped his latte gently. It was bizzare to see Elayn this closed down.

‘When you...When you’re...Oh fuck it. Look, when you were with Percival did you ever get… _insecure_?’

Gwaine thought back to all those years ago, ‘Not that I remember. Percy’s always been very loyal. And, don’t tell him I told you, but his very first boyfriend cheated on him; he would rather die than do that to someone, if that’s…’

‘No, it’s not…’ he rubbed his eyes, looking tired, ‘He’s just so, so… _big_.’

Gwaine stifled a chuckle, ‘Well, granted, but I thought you’d be happy about that?’

‘We haven’t gone that far.’ Gwaine furrowed his brow at this, ‘What I mean is he’s so well built and I’m...well...not. I’m mean, I’m trying to be but…’

Gwaine leaned over the table to steady Elyan as he wrung his hands, ‘Mate. You don’t need to change. I know for a damn fact Percy wouldn’t want you to.’

‘That’s easy for you to say; you’re jacked as well! Oh, please don’t tell Percy. I like him _so_ much but I just feel so embarrassed in comparison.’

Gwaine took a gulp of his drink, ‘You told Percy any of this?’ Elyan shook his head, ‘Right, well I think you should. Dude, he’d hate for you to feel like this. Look, let me talk…’

‘No! No. It’s fine.’ Elyan slung his bag over his shoulder, ‘I...I should get going. Just forget what I said.’

Gwaine grabbed his jacket before Elyan could race away in embarrassment, ‘I have to go by the salon, I’ll walk with you.’ they got out into the street and Gwaine slipped his arm into Elyan’s, ‘I don’t like seeing you this way.’

‘Sorry.’

‘You don’t need to apologise! I just want to help!’

Elyan finally cracked a small smile, ‘Thanks Gwaine. To be honest, I could do with just some distraction from it all.’

‘Well, it’s the stag do next week. If you want a distraction, I think Leon needs all the help he can get.’ Gwaine nudged his friend, ‘Just think of how funny he’s going to be when the strippers arrive?’

‘I’m going to get one of them to give him a lap dance.’ Elyan smirked.

‘Yes! Oh my god.’ Gwaine stopped at the salon doors, ‘Right, this is me. Look, we’ll talk tomorrow, okay? But if you can, please try and talk to Percy. He’s a good man, he’s going to understand. Besides, I _know you_ Elyan. If you have to wait much longer to get Percy in the bedroom, you’re gonna combust.’

Elyan gave a fond laugh and patted Gwaine on the shoulder goodbye. He turned to unlock the door to see Leon already sat in a client's chair, waving a bottle of gin.


	4. They're Such Idiots

What, in the name of all that is holy, is that fucking t-shirt you’re wearing?’

Gwaine looked down as he clicked the door shut. He hadn;t paid attention to it in the rush that afternoon and found a giant angry pig staring up at him, ‘Oh christ, I forgot I still owned this. It’s the shirts they sold at Percival’s old gigs.’

‘We were talking about that earlier. Christ do you remember how bad they were?’

Gwaine scrunched up his face in a mocking disapproval, ‘Hey, I thought they were good!’

Leon poured out two measures of gin into the coffee cups on the counter, ‘No, you took one look at the _seven foot tall_ drummer covered in tattoos and swooned. Didn’t you faint that one time?’ Gwaine winced at the memory, ‘Oh that was hilarious.’

‘Did you just bring me here to remind me of how embarrassing I was?’

‘Sadly no. But I am one hundred percent coming back to this, I need a laugh.’ he sighed and poured out another shot, ‘It’s Percy. He’s not doing so good with Elyan.’

‘Elyan isn’t doing so well either.’ Gwaine admitted, leaning his elbow on his knees, ‘He’s really down. He thinks...I said I wouldn’t say.’

Leon leaned over, ‘Well, I made no such promise. Percival thinks Elyan doesn’t find him attractive anymore. Now, maybe it’s my feminine intuition, but I’m pretty sure Elyan fancies the pants off him.’

Gwaine put his head in his hands, ‘Jesus. Elyan thinks he’s not attractive enough for _Percy_! They’re such...idiots!’

‘Now you know how I feel dealing with you lot!’ Leon raised his glass for a cheers, ‘Well, there’s only one thing for it.’

‘Talk to them…’

‘Entrapment. What?’

‘What?’ Gwaine half spat out his gin, ‘What do you mean _entrapment_? We’re not framing them for murder! You always gotta make it a drama, don’t you?’

‘You all do that for yourselves.’ he shot back, ‘Okay, okay, I’ve got a plan. I’ll sort it out tomorrow. But until then, do remind me of how you and Percival got together; that shit always sends me howling.’

With a knock at the salon door, Cendred slipped in, ‘Don’t mind if I crash you party, do you? Finished my book an hour ago and I’m bored out of my skull.’

‘Please, I’ll grab you a gin. We were just reminiscing about old times, right Gwaine?’ 

Gwaine shot Leon a death stare, ‘Nope.’

‘Oh come on!’ he handed Cendred a gin as he settled on the floor, leaning his head back so Gwaine could play with his hair, ‘Cendred, don;t you want to hear about the disaster gay you finace used to be?’

‘ _Used to be_?’ he got a half annoyed nudge for that one, ‘And of course.’

‘Well,’ Leon leaned back in chair, Gwaine already going bright red in the face, ‘If I recall, it all started one night after second year exams…’


	5. Old Times

_Gwaine was running down the street, nearly tripping over the undone laces of his boots, ‘Come on, Leon! We’re going to be late!’_

_Leon swigged cider out of his water bottle as he strode leisurely, ‘The main band aren’t on until midnight, Gwaine, we have ages!’_

_He ran back to drag his friend along, ‘But I want to see the support bands! They’re meant to be really good. Besides, Merlin wants us to go and support Mordred’s band and he’s already there so...Can you at least walk faster!’_

_Leon stuck still, snatching the joint tucked behind Gwaine’s ear and sparking a match, ‘No.’_

_‘I’m going to go on without you then.’_

_‘No, you’re not, you’re too scared of all the punks.’_

_‘I’m not scared of them! I’m a punk! Look at me!’_

_Leon rolled his eyes, ‘Owning a Sex Pistold t-shirt and pair of Dr.Martens doesn’t count. And by scared I think we both know I was trying put_ can’t see a man with tatoos without losing his gay mind _politely.’_

_In huff, Gwaine pulled Leon down the road until he managed to spot Merlin outside the venue. Merlin ran forward and gave Gwaine a hug, the metal studs on his leather jacket digging into Gwaine’s chest._

_‘Oi, give us here!’ Merlin beckoned to Leon’s joint, who relectantly handed it over, ‘Oh fuck that’s some good shit. Come on, Mordred’s on in a minute!’_

_The trio pushed their way into the sticky venue and grabbed a drink. The air was thick with smoke and Merlin waved to Mordred who was tuning up his guitar on stage. Gwaine was buzzing with excitement; he’d aced his final exam and finally, finally, could justify getting absolutely plastered headbaning. He eagerly grabbed his pint but before he could bring it to his lips, someone crashed into him, sending it all down his shirt._

_‘Hey, watch where your fucking…’ he spun around and suddenly couldn’t speak._

_Towering in front of him was the tallest man he’d ever seen, shoulders that appeared twice as broad as his own, rippling with muscles. Gwaine eyes moved from the scuffed leather boots, across the skin tight leather trousers, and slowly tried to take in the bare chest plastered with tattoos that emerged from the man’s undone gilet. When he could finally tear his eyes up to the mans face, he saw the guy frantically retrieving a handkerchief from an inner pocket._

_‘I’m so sorry man! Christm, it’s all over you!’ he tried in vein to dab dry Gwaine’s soaked t-shirt._

_‘Percival!’ called Mordred from the stage, ‘We’re on mate!’_

_The man gave an awkward smile, ‘Sorry, I’ve got too.’ he tipped his head towards the stage, ‘Look,. I’ll find you after and grab you a drink to say sorry...Sorry!’_

_‘You alright Gwaine?’ Merlin laughed with a friendly pat on the shoulder._

_Gwaine couldn’t rip his eyes away from the stage as Percvial, with one strong stride, heaved himself up on the stage, ‘D...Do you know that guy? Who is...Oh god he’s the drummer. He’s a drummer. Oh jesus fucking chirst, he’s a drummer.’_

_Leon gave a knowing look to Merlin, ‘Did you notice he has piercings too Gwaine?’_

_‘Mmmhmm.’ Gwaine nodded frantically, ‘Yep. Tatoos. Leather. Metal...Fucking hell.’_

_Suddenly, the band kicked into action. Mordred was screaming into the microphone as the audience thrashed violently into each other. Merlin shouted along, Leon even got into the mosh pit. But Gwaine just stared mesmerized as Percival punished the drum kit so hard it fell apart by the last song; the crash cymbal flying off into the crowd._

_‘We are Master of Hogs! Goodnight!’_

_With that, Gwaine downed his drink and rushed into the cold night air before the drummer could find him. His hand shook as he lit the cigarette, thankful no one was there to see him shivering in his soaked shirt._

_A tap on the shoulder made him jump._

_Percival gave an awkward smile, ‘Hey, I...urm…’ he offered up a spare t-shirt, ‘We were selling them on the merch stand, thought you could do with a new one after I went and chucked your pint down you.’_

_Gwaine pulled his soaked shirt over his head, gingerly taking the one Percival offered and pulled it on. It was a bit small, and the design was a giant hog’s head, but when he looked up Percival seemed to be smiling, ‘Suits you...I didn’t catch your…’_

_‘I’m Gwaine. I like your tattoos.’_

_Percy blushed, rubbing a hand over his shaved head, ‘Thanks.’_

_Gwaine poked him in the abs, ‘That’s a pride flag…’_

_‘Mmhmm.’_

_‘I’m gay.’_

_‘I guessed that.’_

_The pair stared at each other as the next band roared into action inside._

_Percival pulled his leather gilet around himself, ‘So, I’ve got an exam tomorrow, but...do you, maybe, want to get a drink tomorrow?’_

_Gwaine was so excited he couldn’t speak, he just nodded furiously._

_‘Great. I’ll meet you here about eight then?’_

_Percival shly began walking away, his drumsticks sticking out the back pocket of his trousers. Gwaine called out to him, ‘Hey, what do you study?’_

_‘Physical therapy!’ he called back with a laugh._

_Merlin and Leon slipped out the doors in search of Gwaine just in time to catch him. The idiot had fainted._

‘No!’ Cendred cut in, ‘You fucking fainted?’

Leon couldn’t breathe through the laughter, ‘He did! He full on hit the floor!’

‘Look it was just...I mean...Oh christ Leon, you’ve really done it this time.’ Gwaine rubbed his forehead, ‘It has been a _very_ long time since I’d gotten any and I had a thing for punks and Percival was a gentleman and that’s…’

‘As I recall he wasn’t very gentlemanly for long.’ Leon winked, ‘Remember Gwaine, we were in halls together. Hang on…’ Leon got his phone and with a few taps, grinned ear to ear, ‘Look at this Cen.’

Cendred took the phone out his hand and looked at an old picture. It was taken out on a hill somewhere just as the sun was setting. He saw Gwaine, barely twenty years old and plum purple hair bouncing just above his shoulders, looking up loving at an even younger Percival. Their arms were wrapped around each other and, Cendred had to admit to himself, he could see why Gwaine would’ve fainted. Back in his punk days, Percy was even more muscular than he was now, and the colourful tapestry of art across his arms was a sight to behold. HE caught Gwaine looking over his shoulder, smiling fondly at the picture, and Cendred pulled his jacket around himself, suddenly aware of how slim he was.

‘Come on you,’ Gwaine got to his feet, offering a hand to his fiance, ‘I think Leon has embarrassed me enough tonight. Let’s go home. Leon, don’t you go employing any of your schemes before we’ve spoken alright?’

‘Fine, fine! Good night, I’ll lock up.’


	6. My Pleasure

Gwaine pulled Cendred through the front door with a smug smile, ‘Mmm come here you.’ Cendred gently pulled away, ‘Hey, hey…’ Gwaine stroked his face, ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ he pushed a smile on his face, ‘Wine?’

Gwaine watched his fiance slink into the kitchen, followed by a soft sigh, ‘You know,’ he called out, ‘I know what this is about.’ he appeared leaning at the kitchen door as Cendred took his first sip of wine, ‘And I’m having none of it.’

Defeated, Cendred put his glass back down, ‘It’s just...You looked so happy in that photo.’

‘I was. I was twenty and in love for the first time. Get to the real issue here.’ Gwaine crossed his arms, ‘Listen. I’ve had the displeasure of finding out not one, but _two_ of my best friends are having body image issues and I hate that they are being down on themselves; out with it.’

‘I have one tattoo, I’m lanky, I'm not as tall, I never liked punk… I can’t compete with...’ 

Gwaine put a finger to his lips, ‘You’re right Cen. You’re not as tall, but I still have to reach up on my tip-toes to kiss you, and you always smile when I do that. And you do only have one tattoo but it’s cute as hell, and when I spy that little rose peaking over the top of your jeans when you’re getting changed, it sends me fucking wild.’ Cendred started to soften and Gwaine placed a soft kiss into his neck, ‘And, you see, the thing about punks is they have short hair, whereas you...mmm...I can make it into a tangled mess every night.’ Cendred arched his neck up, letting warm breath pool on his neck, Gwaine nipping his ear lobe with his teeth, ‘And your body, Jesus…’ his hands slipped under Cendred’s jacket finding the clasp on his belt and slowly pulling it loose, ‘And when I see you reading in those _damn_ glasses…’

Cendred let out a little giggle, ‘Stop it, you.’

‘No, not gonna happen.’ Gwaine pressed their bodies together against the countertop, slightly grinding his hips, ‘I’m not going to stop until my fiance knows just how sexy and gorgeous and handsome he is. Now, where was I…Oh yeah.’ he went back to sliding off Cendred's belt, smirking as he slowly pulled down the zipper, ‘There’s the way you look when you’ve just got out of the shower, and you're all slick and wet and warm. You look like a goddamn model. And then there’s when you’re on me...and you start sweating…’ Gwaine slipped his hand underneath Cendred’s jeans, ‘And you look me in the eyes as you…’

‘Gwaine.’ Cendred whispered, breathlessly.

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Take me to bed.’

‘My pleasure darling.’


	7. Entrapment

Leon clicked the button on his phone before carefully placing back in the top pocket of his shirt. He’d tested it out and the plan should work, all that was left was getting the evidence. He strolled into Percy’s gym and made his way to the office.

‘Hey Leon.’ he glanced up from his paperwork, ‘You finally coming to join?’

‘Oh god no, Perce, I’d rather die than work out.’ he laughed as he nosed his way about the office, checking none of his colleagues were in there, ‘Just needed a quick word, actually.’

To his surprise, Percy got up with a serious expression and pushed closed the door, ‘I know what this is about.’

‘You do?’

‘Of course!’ Percival sucked his teeth, ‘I’ve been thinking about it a lot and there’s only one solution. _I’ll pay for it_. I don’t mind’ Leon started, puzzled, ‘I know they’re extremely expensive but, it won’t be the same otherwise.’

‘What are you on about?’

‘The fireman strippers. Obviously.’

Leon rolled his eyes, ‘Oh Christ, I forgot about that. And no, you won't pay, we’ll all chip in. But anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about!’ he gestured fro Percy to take a seat and scooted himself over in one of the office chairs, ‘I need to ask you one very important question. And I need you to answer as honestly and openly as you can. Percival, for one million pounds: How hot, is Elyan?’

Percy was shocked, ‘What...why…’

Leon jumped out of his seat, ‘Don’t think just talk!’ he shouted.

‘I think he’s a fucking snack, don’t hit me!’

Leon rolled his hands over one another, ‘Go on! Keep talking!’

Percival wished he’d told Leon he had anxiety before this conversation, ‘I think he’s super cute. His body feels really nice and his hair is cute and he’s so handsome and I wanna see him naked!’

‘Thanks, man,’ Leon patted him on the head, ‘Thanks.’ and without another word, Leon was gone.

Percival stared at the wall, ‘What the fuck just happened?’

…

An hour later at the salon, Leon said goodbye to the last customer before they closed for lunch. Behind him, Elyan was putting his gym bag over his shoulder when he heard the door lock shut.

‘Dude, I need to go out.’

Leon leaned on the locked door, ‘Need a favour.’

‘Okay…? Well, can you tell me about it on the way so I can…’

‘No.’ Leon justed the phone in his pocket to check the microphone hadn’t fallen from place.  
After the chaos from earlier, he decided on a softly, softly approach, ‘I really need you to answer this question that’s been bugging me. You see, I was...at the pub, with an old friend and we were looking through these photographs from the pub quizzes and he said, Percival, is quite attractive. Now, I’m trying to set him up with someone, he’s a nightmare, worse than Gwaine.’

‘Damn.’

‘I know, so...What is it about Percival that makes him attractive so I can try and find someone like him for my friend?’ 

Elyan cleared his throat, perching on the edge of a seat, ‘Well...I mean...it’s only a personal opinion but, he’s very...I think it’s that you look at him, and he’s all gorgeous and muscled and covered in tattoos and you think _damn he’s gonna be a hard ass_ and then you talk to him and he’s so sweet and kind and he always lets you have the last biscuit and…’ he looked up to see Leon nodding violently, ‘And, um, well he’s very handsome, isn’t he? A blind man could see that...Is that helpful?’

Leon beamed at him, ‘You have no idea!’ Leon unlocked the door and let Elyan leave, ‘Oh, by the way, me and Gwaine were going to pop to the pub after work, wanna join?’

‘Yeah, sure.’

With Elyan gone, Leon stopped the recording and sent it over to Gwaine.

_Leon: The entrapment was a success, got the evidence. Did you manage to get Percy out to the pub?_

_Gwaine: All set, seven at the Rising Sun. Also, I heard Merlin and Arthur are in town so I invited them down too (after we’ve done our little plan, ofc)_


End file.
